Why do special needs parents feel so guilty?
I’m going to keep this short and sweet because
this is going to be different for everyone.
There is a strange phenomenon with many special
needs parents. That phenomenon is an overwhelming sense of guilt for things
that are quite often, outside of our control.
In life, there are plenty of things to feel
guilty about. We all make mistakes and no one is perfect. There is
an enormous weight that comes along for the ride when guilt is involved.
Speaking from experience, the weight of guilt can be absolutely crushing.
Some of the things that I feel guilty for, as
far as my kids are concerned, weigh very heavily on me.
I feel guilty because life is harder for them
than it should be. As far as Gavin’s concerned, there isn’t anything
about him that I don’t feel guilty for. With gas health problems, we have
to strip him of essentially being a child because if we don’t, we could lose
him to one of his many life threatening health conditions.
For most of Emmett’s life, he had no language
ability at all. We didn’t even think he could hear us.
He was so aggressive and frustrated, all the
time. It was heartbreaking and I was overwhelmed with guilt because I
couldn’t fix that for him. I couldn’t remove his burdens.
I feel unbelievably guilty because we spent so
much time trying to help Emmett and Gavin, that in a way, Elliott slipped
through the cracks. We did absolutely everything we possibly could but
there’s only so much we can do.
The stress of everything over the past decade
has destroyed Lizze’s health. She lives in chronic pain, menopause at 33,
with a migraine that has lasted over 2 years and an untreatable sleep
disorder. Her body has basically turned against her and is shutting
down. She needs to sleep literally all day long but I have to wake her up
throughout the day, especially when the kids are home.
There’s only so much that I can do alone and I
feel guilty because I can’t give her what she desperately needs.
For that matter, I can’t give any of the kids
enough of what they need from me. I live with that guilt every single
day.
These are all things that I have no control over
and yet I find myself riddled with guilt. I try really hard to recognize
that these are things in which I have no control over. I tell myself that
I need to focus on the things that I do have control over. If I spend to
much time consumed with unnecessary guilt, things will fall through the cracks
that I should feel guilty for.
I just want you all to know that I get it. I understand what it’s like to feel guilty for a
million things and even with the knowledge that many of these things are not
within my control, somehow it doesn't make it any easier.
In many ways, this is an irrational sense of
guilt but it’s also very powerful and can be quite debilitating at times.
Perhaps someday, we can all put this guilt down and walk away from it, leaving
it all in the past. Until such a time, we just have to try and keep
things in perspective. Knowing that others out there feel the same way,
is always a positive thing.
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